Mwahaha, who am I on TCF? You'll never know ;) You are a beautiful, strong woman for sharing this intimate journey. My heart aches so much for your struggles with IF. I pray that God feels nearer and nearer during the darkest of times -- and you are allowed to be angry with him and have questions. He still loves you.
Thank you for your honesty, and I'm sending all the very best thoughts for you.