Sometimes I picture DH and I telling our families that we have exciting news - that we will have a baby. It could be Christmas, it could be at a family dinner, or it could be on a Thursday evening after playing uno.
I know that when we are finally able to share our exciting news, it will be followed by our not so exciting journey to that point. The statistics are that a healthy couple under 35 should conceive within one year of trying. Well, either the statistics aren't true, or we aren't healthy. In the past year I have told several lies. In the past year I have become more recluse than ever. In the past year my life has changed drastically. When it comes to family, I was typically a pretty open book- that was before we started trying to have a baby. It didn't hit me until one day a few months ago that my mom and I went out for the day. I was quiet. I could feel how awkward the silence was. Why wasn't I sharing recent things happening in my life? My marriage? Oh yeah...because the most exciting news I could share was that I started new prenatal and that I finally learned to successfully chart my BBT. This was the point that I realized how life altering TTC was becoming. I didn't have anything new to talk about with family. If it weren't for our recent move then I still wouldn't. My life revolves around my husband, work, my home and dogs, and TTC. Fortunately, I have a new job and a new home, so I have conversation starters. But if we were still at home? I'd have nothing. How will we open up about our fertility issues when the time comes? What if the time doesn't come for a long time, will we discuss fertility issues before we are able to show a sonogram of a sprout? Will there be negative comments? Will there be ignorant comments? Honestly, I think I'm most scared about everyone's reaction. I'm afraid to be shattered by their comments. In reality, this will probably not happen. Everyone will most likely be very supportive and understanding. However, there is a part of my brain that says "they'll laugh and joke that that you did it wrong" or "they'll question your womanhood". I think it'll go something like this: "Statistics say that when a couple ditches birth control in an effort to have a child, they will successfully conceive within one year if they are healthy and under 35. DH and I didn't fall in that category. I've been lying to you all for a year. When asked when we would have children, I lied. I said we didn't know or we may not want them. I was lying. It's all I wanted. I wanted children more than I had ever wanted anything. It hurt to lie, but the truth burned much, much worse than the lies did. I knew it was much easier to avoid a discussion about it by seeming cold to the children question. XX months ago we decided we would start a family. We ditched the birth control, I started taking prenatals, I joined an online forum for those trying to have a baby, and I checked out every pregnancy book from the library. About 4 months in I started becoming depressed. I reached out to a friend and she comforted me in my time of need. She told me to stop planning and to keep trying. It helped to tell someone, but I had no intention of telling anyone else. However, those rides to school with a friend became hard when the only thing on my mind was trying to have a baby. I opened up to her, it made me feel better, but it was still hard that I couldn't tell anyone that actually knew how it felt. We hit 6 months, we hit 9 months. Finally, close to the year mark I felt we did it. I was sick, I had a (false) positive, and I was experiencing the longest cycle I had ever had. However, it was too good to be true. That was the month of the family vacation. It was also the most depressed I had been in a long time. I was sick and of course nearly everyone in the family asked if I was pregnant. It was brutal. The one question I would do anything to say yes to, I had several negative tests flashing in my face that made me say no. I had hit an all time low. We came upon that year mark and we were finally able to seek help since we could no longer fit in the category of a good statistic. We got some answers, some good and some not as good. However, we were still left in the dark. Neither my midwife nor Doug's results from the reproductive endocrinologist had enough evidence why we hadn't conceived naturally. More tests were scheduled. This is when we had the opportunity to move. To step away from everything we know and see and try new things. We did it. Finally I was able to get away from the baby questions. When we moved I saw an OB right away and had some tests scheduled. That is when I got cold feet and we put trying to have a baby on hold..." That is where the story ends. The rest is history. I'd like to finish it by saying "then suddenly, at the last hour of putting it on hold a BFP appeared and our prayers were answered!" but that hardly seems realistic. If you know me in real life and are reading this blog, then clearly DH and I have NOT been vocal about our infertility. Infertility is something we have struggled with alone for close to a year and a half, but we have made the decision to invite others to read our journey.
There are a few important things I feel like you must know before reading my blog. Some of my posts may sound whiney, some of them you may side eye, and others you may say "what is she even talking about?". My posts are filled with raw emotions. I think it's important for readers (family and friends specifically) to have an understanding of infertility before reading this blog. Below are some link that I encourage you explore before discussing infertility with me. So please, before you use VERY hurtful comments such as "relax, it will happen" or "its all in Gods plan" or "maybe there is a reason you're not pregnant yet, but you won't discover the reason until later" or "I know someone that had infertility and they are pregnant now"then please read below. This link provides an insight as to what day to day activities can trigger a bad infertility day: "What is infertility? The top ten things I learned about infertility." http://www.resolve.org/about-infertility/what-is-infertility/the-top-ten-things-i-learned-about-infertility.html This link provides statistics regarding infertility: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/165748.php |