Before you begin reading I want to take the time to apologize for any lie I've had to tell and for breaking many relationships by being closed off and non-responsive. In the past year I have told several lies. In the past year I have become more recluse than ever. In the past year my life has changed drastically. When it comes to family, I was typically a pretty open book- that was until the summer of 2013. It didn't hit me until one day this past summer when my mom and I went out for the day. I was quiet. I could feel how awkward the silence was. Why wasn't I sharing recent things happening in my life? My marriage? This was the point that I realized how life altering my situation had become. I hope after you read this you'll understand why I had such a drastic change in my mood, why I wasn't the same person I had been, why I deleted everyone from Facebook, why I said I didn't want children, and why I fell off the face of the earth. This post has some very personal information. I feel very vulnerable opening this up to my friends, family, and the public. It says everything I've ever wanted to say for the past two years. I'm doing this because it's therapeutic. I'm doing this because I want to help others. I got married when I was 21. When you get married you hear "in sickness and in health, for better or for worse" but you never hear them say what exactly those worse times may be. In our case, infertility is what I think of when I think of the "or worse" part of the vows. Looking back now I wish I could have made our vows say "for better, for worse, for infertility" because that is how much it has affected my life, our life. After nannying full-time for 7 years, after spending time as a pre-school teacher, and after going to college to become a teacher, it's just a given that I would have children. I've always dreamed that it would be a part of my identity: Baby Whitney's Mom. From the time I was ten I even had my daughters name picked out, A. L. are the initials. I even have the paper (somewhere) of where I wrote in my diary when I was 10 or 11 this name. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage. Isn't that how it goes? We are taught as little girls that "one day you'll meet your prince charming, fall madly in love, get married, and have babies", and as much as my feminist side hates that we portray this message to young girls as a requirement, it was my desire. It was what I wanted. My husband and I had the same timeline and views on children. We wanted them, but wanted to be married, have a steady income, and two degrees on the wall. We wanted a few kids, we even went back and forth on how many. At one point I wanted four, then I became a nanny for four children! We agreed upon two. Regardless of how many children we were going to have, it was in the plans. I had two solid years of school left when we got married, then it was time to become a mother. It was all planned out. We got married, a year later we bought a house, and a year later I was beginning my senior year at a university. From time to time I would get baby-fever before our agreed upon start date, but my husband was able to bring me back down to earth and show me that it was in our benefit to wait. Looking back now I laugh at how much I wanted one while we were living in a tiny apartment on the third floor. The most important part of the "baby plan" was when we would start, or when we would at least have a discussion about when we would start. I wanted to go off of birth control in time so that I would be 9 months pregnant walking across the stage to receive my diploma. I didn't care if my water broke as I was on stage, I just wanted a baby. I wanted a deeper connection with my husband. I wanted to expand our family, and he did too. The summer before I began my final year of my bachelors program we decided that it was time, we had a very serious discussion and made sure we were on the same page. We discussed around Mother's Day (2013) that we were finally financially stable, had a roof over our heads, and were stable in our marriage. We decided that in the fall we would begin trying to conceive. Everything was starting to come together. In fact, the summer of 2013 was the last time I can remember being truly happy. We had a plan and were following it. In June I had my annual appointment. Although pre-conception appointments are a complete waste of time and I wouldn't recommend them to a healthy young woman, it worked out since my annual was right before we started TTC (Trying To Conceive). Looking back now I see how naive I was regarding having a baby. In school I never had a health class until my senior year. By that time everyone knew about sex so I wasn't placed in a class where we discussed this. In fact, when you're supposed to learn about your body and sex, I had Home Economics from middle school to high school. We learned how to be a good little house wife, how to iron shirts (I wish I was kidding), how to make a purse out of a place-mat (still not kidding), how to do your hair to please your husband (how did I sit through this?), and how to make your husband dinner. Abstinence was a given. I even had a teacher tell me that "footsies leads to kissing and that leads to having a baby." So by the time I was old enough to have a baby I didn't know the first thing about my body. All I knew was that I take birth control daily and my periods came once a month. I didn't have the slightest clue what ovulation was, let alone trying to pinpoint it. I still believed your period could be late. I had no idea what I was in for. In order to understand trying to have a baby I joined an online forum, got pregnancy yoga books from the library, and got every book I could find on having a baby. Trying to have a baby is a science, nothing else. A science I knew nothing about. All I knew was that we were ready, we had a plan. Although we had a plan, we weren't going to share with anyone. No one needed to know. I wanted a secret with my husband, to connect with him. It was going to be a surprise. Looking back now I am so glad we didn't say a word. I know how many asked us about children, I can't IMAGINE how many would have asked us had we told them we were trying. Time went on and people started to become curious. They're married, but don't have kids? I must ask them why. It's very important I know. You know what I found very strange? I found it strange how many people can be oh so curious about your uterus as soon as a ring is on your finger. After we got married I discovered that it was almost as if when the ring was being put on my ring finger it was unlocking the steel gate on my uterus. It was almost as if it was visual permission for friends, family, and strangers to ask me and my husband: "how often do you have unprotected sex?" Er.. I mean.... "When are you having children?" Let me first state that it is not a couples duty to have a child. NO WHERE is it written that a couple has to have a baby. Some couples don't want children and that is completely fine. There is nothing "wrong" with them, so why was the question always posed the same way: "when are you having children". (Want to hear my rant on people asking single people when they're going to get married? My rant gets even better when people ask a couple when they're going to get married since they already have kids.) I wish life had a rewind button so you can pause and walk away right before someone is going to open mouth and insert foot. Want to know WHY these questions are not ok? What if they have been trying to have a baby? What if the couple lost a baby? What if they don't want children at all? What if their relationship is fine how it is and they don't want something to take away from their time? What if they aren't financially stable? Why do you need to know when they're bumping and grinding unprotected? Society sees this as something that is ok to ask, but it's not. Their sex like and her uterus shouldn't concern you. That's why. I'll admit, before a few months into trying to have I baby, I NEVER thought that question ("when are you having kids?") could hurt someone so much. But you know what? Every time someone would ask me that question it felt like a horse wearing heels was tap dancing on my chest. It hurt. It hurt because the true answer was "we are trying, but it's not working - thanks so much for the reminder" (although now the true answer is "I don't know if we can have children, thanks for reminding me that my body doesn't work") but what society wants me to say is "NOW! We are pulling the goalie now! We are having so much sex! Want to come help paint a future nursery and register at Target? We are going to make ALLLLLLL the babiesssss." If you only learn one thing from this post I hope it is the following: not everyone has to have or want a child and it is not ok to ask when a couple will have children. It's also not ok to ask someone how many children they'll have (yes, even if they already have a child). Secondary infertility IS real and so is One and Done (OAD). Anecdote:At one point in this sucky journey I had someone ask me when we were having children. My response was "I don't think we are having kids." This persons face was covered in shock because "I am meant to be a mother" they said. In so many words I was told it was selfish, it's what I'm put on this earth to do, and I will one day change my mind. This person reminded me how important their children are to them, how I needed to experience motherhood. This was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to listen to. It felt like a knife right through my heart. Why? Because more than anything I wanted to experience motherhood. The fall came and Operation Baby Whitney was a go. It was very cut and dry in my mind, because you know, as soon as you go off of birth control and decide you want a child then it will automatically happen and ten months later you'll be knees up in the hospital screaming as a tiny human is being pulled out of you. Obviously right? That's definitely how this works. Oh, and if you snap your fingers morning sickness will go away too. If only that were even a LITTLE bit true. In fact, the only thing that went right about Operation Baby Whitney was the fact that we started when we planned to. (Ok, ok - I'll try not to talk about the "plan" as much) August 2013 was our official start date. About two weeks after we began trying to have a baby we were looking forward to an awesome baby-cation we had planned to truly kick off this Operation. Mexico or bust! If you know anything about me then you will not be surprised when I say that I spent days researching the resort, the local area we would be in, the restaurants on the resort, and what the room would look like. I had a notebook with tabs and a separate folder for just our traveling documents and tickets. This seriously should surprise no one. If there is one thing everyone knows about me it's that I research everything. Google is my go-to. We were so excited and ready to go until we were hit with a huge mess a few days before we got on the plane. Literally hit. I was in a 3 car accident (more like an obliteration of my perfect little red Aveo) with another car and a large work truck with a trailer. Somehow I walked away from this with little physically wrong. The police officer that first came to the scene told me that he thought he was "going to be pulling a dead body" out of my car. Right after the impact, my very naïve self instantly grabbed my stomach after the wreck, because you know even if sperm met egg then it would totally be ruined. Wrong again, on two levels. God, I wish I could shake my naive head and tell myself to READ A BOOK. But to be fair, it was the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. We went to the hospital that night. The chest and belly pains I was having required a pregnancy test; negative. BUT I'M OFF BIRTH CONTROL. "It's all planned" I thought. The operation was already failing. I totes knew when I ovulated and it definitely was fool-proof, so what happened? Oh jeez, READ.A.BOOK, self! I left the hospital and spent a few days trapped in bed, covered in bruises, a sprain, and some pretty rad looking burns from my seat-belt (PSA: wear a seat-belt, it's the only reason I'm here to type this). I had a lot of alone time in bed and began questioning this trip to Mexico. However, we spent a lot of money on this prebaby-cation, so this was obviously going to happen. Days later it was time to go, thank God I'm a planner and our bags had been packed for days (along with my binder and notebook). Isn't that a pretty rad burn? I hobbled my way to the airport with my very stressed and exhausted husband. Poor guy had to handle this mess that had been created, a mess he had nothing to do with. He did it like a champ and to this day I don't even know how many phone calls he had to make. Husband of the year, for sure. We got on the plane (which is when I realized that there was going to be a long road of PTSD from the accident) and got to Mexico as planned. Other than my oh-so-cool air-cast on my leg, my vertigo, and my cool looking battle wounds, it was time to relax! I couldn't have asked for a better trip. We bonded and had a phenomenal time. We met some really awesome people, ate some good food, and had the drinks flowing - what more could we ask for? My husband didn't know this prior to the trip, but I had packed 3 HPTs in my suitcase, along with two gift bags with baby onesies in each, because I was totes preggers and the hospital pregnancy test was just too early. LOL. Ok, Whit. The first one was a negative. The second one was an evap, although now I question my sanity. Maybe I was just seeing lines, I guess I'll never know. The third was negative. This is when I should have realized I wasn't pregnant, month one was a bust -move on, crazy! Nope. I spent the rest of the week obsessing over this, studying my "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book, and wishing I could have some alcohol to calm my nerves and then remembering OH NO, MUST PROTECT the invisible non-existent child in my ute. Even non/lite-drinkers like me should experience a margarita on a Mexican beach. I can assure you that if I had known where I would be almost two years later then I would have drank so much that I would have used tequila as mouthwash and vodka as soap that week. I would have drank tequila by the bottle! I mean, you can't drink the water in Mexico anyway so I would have been doing my body a favor. ***I want to be clear that there is nothing wrong with drinking while trying to conceive, alcohol just isn't my thing.*** Although I was very baby obsessed this trip, it was overall a phenomenal visit to Mexico. We were treated so kindly, the resort was beautiful, and we got to experience a brand new culture. I wish I could have bottled up some of the energy and happiness we shared there and use it now. The next month came and went. Along with October and November. By December I was so stressed out, basically a little ball of joy to be around. It was a hard month. In addition to exams and my student teaching, I had been keeping this secret for months now, I knew it was time to talk to someone about it. After talking with my husband about it, we both knew it was the right thing to do. My husband didn't know what I was feeling. He didn't have the same heartache as I did. In fact, he was probably just enjoying the making of the non-existent baby. But me? I was experiencing the negatives. I was the one reminded for a week long each month that I was failing. I had to deal with the tangible evidence that I was not carrying a child. I went to a dear friend about this. This friend is one of those friends that everyone needs to have in their life because they are the kind of person that can talk you off of the cliff, will come get you at 3 AM if your car breaks down, and will hold your hair back and bring you soup if you are sick. I finally opened up to her about it. She was very supportive as I blubbered in her living room. She assured me that "it will happen" and told me "you're a planner". See, everyone knows I'm a planner and researcher. Everything must have a plan!! You can plan going off of birth control, but you can't plan when you'll have a baby. Remember in school when you were so scared to have sex because OMG YOU'RE GOING TO GET PREGNANT IF YOU TOUCH HIM. Why can't it be that easy now if it was so easy back then? I'm only a few years older... December, month 5, was the hardest thus far. Although month 5 is too early for one to be worried that there is a problem, it's just something that will pop up in your mind (read: something you'll obsess over). I realize that we had only been trying for a few months. I knew the statistics, but it still didn't lighten the heartache when you want something so bad. I didn't want to borrow trouble, and I don't think I did, but I was hurt. I was allowed to be hurt, I wanted this. The statistics are it can take a couple (under 35) 12 consecutive months of unprotected sex - (6 months if you're over 35) to conceive a baby. So basically, if you're under 35 and it's been 12 months then you can start going to appointments and worrying, but not a day before. It is VERY normal for it to take up to a year to conceive, it just takes patience. (I typically hate the word patience in regards to TTC, but honestly it fits here). It's very important to not borrow trouble. Infertility isn't fun, so why would you want to think you have a problem? I do feel compelled to tell you that although it's not ok to borrow trouble because infertility may not be present, it is still completely normal to be aggravated, want to punch a wall, and get so ragey you could have a Brittany Spears meltdown when your period comes each month. By this point I was really getting sick of seeing one line on an HPT. I would have killed for two lines. Holding it up to different lights, taking a photo and editing the image, and squinting one eye became hobbies. AnecdoteA friend of mine was getting married the following summer, but we needed to order our bridesmaids dresses by mid-December. It was getting tougher and tougher to keep TTC a secret. I called her up a few days before I had to order the dress. The wedding was 6 months away, so much can happen in those months. I could have been 6 months pregnant or not pregnant at all - I didn't know. I finally had to tell her. I was crying on the phone and almost felt ashamed that I had to hide this from her. She was very supportive, and for that I am thankful. I ended up ordering the dress a few sizes too big, the worse case scenario was that I would have to take the dress in on the sides. January of 2014 came, along with February, March, April, and May. April is when I really got serious about detecting ovulation. We were at 9 months with no pregnancy, it was time that I stuck the thermometer where no thermometer should go. I did this along with some other unmentionable things. Although I didn't do all of this from August to March, this was just a clearer way to detect ovulation. You take your temperature each day, record it, and make note of other important factors. Many think you use a calender to track your cycle and that every 28 days you'll start your period, two weeks in you ovulate, and two weeks later you get a positive test. Therefore it is suggested that you have sex daily or every other day on cycle day 10 until cycle day 18, that way you'll hit your ovulation on or around day 14. For some, this may be true. For most, this isn't true at all. The calendar part is typically only true if you're taking an oral birth control. Using an app calendar to track your period is like taking a dart, closing your eyes, and throwing it at a calendar to plan when you'll have sex. You can't know without data. If you're interested in what app DOES work see below. Ovulation takes place in like 10 minutes, not days like calendar apps show. Sperm can live in a woman's uterus for 5 days prior to these 10 minutes and one day after. Here is a breakdown of how to chart your BBT to detect ovulation (this is the MOST ACCURATE method unless you get an ultrasound every single day at the doctors office):
My cycles range from 29 days to 50+ days. See how going off of the 28-day method fails? Like, a ton? I would miss my ovulation by days or even weeks if I went off the period tracker apps and the suggested methods. If we ever do conceive a child then this kid will definitely know what I had to do to have a baby. "You had to stick what where?!?1" Yeah, kid. If we would have been successful the first month that we tried then May would have been the month that I would have given birth. Not only did that put a damper on the month of May, Mothers Day was another fun knife in the back during this time. Here comes June… In June I went to my friends wedding (wearing my altered dress) then to a family vacation. At the wedding I began spotting. I was livid. I REALLY thought that was the month. I was over the two weeks post ovulation and knew I was wrong about my ovulation date or I was pregnant. Following the wedding, my brother and I drove 3 hours home, picked up my husband and cousin, then headed for our 13 hour road trip to Myrtle Beach. During this ride there I became sick, very sick. By the time we reached the condo I was ready to puke, shower, and lay down - all at once. Everyone kept asking "are you pregnant?" jokingly. Although they were joking, it was the one question I didn't want to hear. The one question I had been waiting months to proudly answer. It was one of the hardest days since we had started TTC. A few painful days into vacation my period finally came and I was so upset. . By July we had officially hit the year mark. Now there is a true reason to stress. Then guess what happened at the eleventh hour??? Guess what happened right before we were going to be diagnosed with infertility???? TWO LINES. TWO LINES. TWO LINES. WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? I couldn't believe it. I held the stick up, looked at myself in the mirror to make sure I didn’t have 7 heads and googly eyes. It was real. This was really happening. I couldn’t take my eyes off of these two lines. I ran outside to my husband. He was on the phone, OF COURSE. I was all "get off the phone, yo!". I was crying, shaking, and on a high. We finally had a positive. My husband was so stoked, he had a promotion, a happy marriage, a happy wife, and a baby on the way. Well, that was until I took another test that night. It was an evap, which is a fun way to say “LOL I’m going to make you pretend you’re pregnant, but you’re not”. It was a false positive. Although false positives are very rare with typical HPTs, I was using “cheapies” (ones that I had used for months, a generally trusted manufacturer). So I wasn’t pregnant. We were slowly and sadly approaching an infertility diagnosis.. I wish I could be handling this with poise, self-control, and class. I’m the complete opposite. But really, how are you supposed to handle infertility? Oh, I should take the time now to mention I've been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety. Not the "Oh, I'm so OCD, my closet is so organized". (Let's be clear though, no one can "be OCD") Nope. More like "I cannot sleep until I have my list done. I cannot walk out of a store without counting each step." And the list goes on and on. Infertility + OCD = disaster It had been one year from the time my midwife said "everything looks good! Don't go off birth control until you're ready!" We are now entering into a whole new world. The world of infertility. Many may be confused about what infertility means. To me infertility means you've had unprotected sex for 12 consecutive months, but there has been no viable pregnancy. The "fault" doesn't fall with one partner. Infertility is a partnership deal. Sure, the issue may be with the man or the woman, but it is a partnership. It is something partners must go through, it's no ones fault. There should be no blaming. There should be no "it's his fault because..." or "it's her fault because...". No. It's "we struggle with infertility". A year worth of obsessing over a calendar. A year worth of knowing what cycle day you were on instead of what day of the month it was. A year worth of deleting every person on your Facebook that had a baby or a grandchild. A year worth of people asking when I'm having kids. A year worth of ovulation tests. A year worth of dreading holidays. A year worth of HPTs. A year worth of stress, so much stress. In July I went to my midwife, we needed a referral to an RE and I needed my annual. She said everything looked good still, she wasn't sure why I wasn't pregnant. She gave us a referral for a semen analysis so we could get more answers. Who knew you needed a script for that... We went. We did it. Results showed nothing too serious to be worried about, and certainly nothing that should have inhibited a pregnancy. Here is where I should voice my opinion on what men have to do versus women when trying to have a baby. We have to poke, prod, and stick things in your body. They are given a cup and a room. We were at a dead end, or so it felt like. This was confirmation that a pregnancy would not happen without a doctor. Our sex life would now be more than just me and my husband, it was us and a Reproductive Endocrinologist.
So yes, please continue to tell me to “just relax”. And please continue to tell me that you understand. Next time you see someone and it’s clear they have cancer, tell them to relax and God wanted them to have cancer. They can just use someone else’s hair and the problem will go away. Maybe they’re just meant to have cancer, but someone that murders, robs people, and hurts children aren’t meant to have cancer. They are though. You also hear a lot of empathy, because apparently everyone knows what you’re going through. So, what SHOULD you say to a person/couple struggling with infertility? You say "I'm sorry." Don't give advice. Don't tell them the method you used or the method your neighbors sisters ex-husbands sister used. "I'm sorry" is quite enough. Since we're talking about things that hurt..When someone tells you they have infertility, OR IF THEY ARE A HUMAN BEING, please don't say "here, you can have mine" in reference to your child. And when your child is misbehaving, stop yourself before "just wait until you have kids" pours out of your mouth like diarrhea. I want to take the time to discuss my thoughts on those that get pregnant, whether on purpose or accidentally. I am happy for you. I truly am happy. I don't care if you've tried for a week or a year, I'm happy for you. Your happiness is important. My infertility is not my fault. It's not your fault. It's no ones fault. This allows me to be happy for you. It's not your fault I'm not pregnant. You are allowed to have a baby and be happy even if I don't have one. I don't want people to feel this post indicates that no one should be able to share their happiness because I can't have it the same happiness. However, I do want you to understand that although I may be very happy for you, I won't be able to share my happiness all the time. Some days I have "bad infertility days" and some days I have "good infertility days". I don't know what kind of day it will be. Some days I can see an announcement on Facebook, like the announcement, and move on. Other days I may see the announcement, hide your Facebook, and spend the rest of the day depressed. But regardless of that, I am happy for you. I don't want this post to scream "LOOK AT ME AND ALL OF MY PROBLEMS!" I want this post to say many things, but not that. I want this post to say don't judge other peoples choices, especially since sometimes they aren't given a choice on their outcome. I also want others to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. To those trying to have a baby, whether it is a secret or know, this is for you: You don't own anyone an explanation. You are doing the best that you can. Others will judge you regardless, just find a way to cope. Start a hobby, read a book, find a support group, and/or blog through your feelings. Know that it is ok to not attend a baby shower you're invited to. Know that it is ok to be sad and hurt when you get your period each month. Know that you are allowed to be angry. Know that you are not alone. August 2014 was here. My husband and I were moving to Minnesota. I was finally graduated and he got a promotion, it was the perfect time to move - even if it was 800 miles away. Finally I can run away from everyone, I wouldn't have to deal with people if I didn't want. I could finally cry about the infertility issues without worrying if someone was going to stop by or see me. I could use the ignore button on the phone and socialize on my schedule, based on my good and bad fertility days. It sounds awful, but it's how I felt. I would go to the store and would cry from aisle to aisle as I see babies. Why was it "bring every baby you know" to the store on days I did my grocery shopping?? I was glad we moved. It was time to be with my husband, depend on each other and each other only, and continue this failing operation. Minnesota was beautiful. I was happy, for a while. I began nannying in Minnesota, a baby and a toddler. It was tough going to work every day and take care of a baby the same age as our hypothetical child would have been. Some days were worse than others, but I never let it affect my job. I found a great RE in Minnesota. He was knowledgeable and willing to help get me knocked up. I had some more testing done (once again, why couldn't I just have a cup and a room?). Results were in and to my surprise: results were normal. WHAT!? 15 months in and you're telling me that we still don't have answers because the results are normal? We were diagnosed with Unexplained Infertility (U-IF). U-IF basically means your body doesn't know how to work, your ute is a steel trapped dungeon filled with cob webs and no way out. Great. Not that I wish something was wrong with me, but it sure would be a hell of a lot easier to treat a specific problem than not know what the problem is. Obviously there is a problem. You don't go 15 months TTC without getting pregnant unless there was a problem. I had to get one more test, but this was more invasive. I needed to get an HSG at the hospital. I was looking forward to this day, this was FINALLY going to be the day when I learned what was causing the infertility. Results were immediate. I was actually able to watch the entire procedure on a screen. Results: normal. This is one of those times you DON'T want to hear that it's normal. You WANT something to be wrong so you can fix it! Here is a fun little image to show what an HSG is. We discussed getting an IUI (artificial insemination), which is just a more accurate way for the sperm to meet the egg. In fact, I had even discussed dates with my doctor. I still needed to talk to my husband, but it was in the works. Then it hit me, no. No. A woman has a uterus to bare a child. That is why we are created in this way. What else can you do with your uterus? It's for a baby. I became overwhelmed with the fact that my body couldn't do the ONE thing a woman's body is created to do. Around this time I started getting comfortable with the idea of telling people that not only are we trying to conceive, but that we are having problems. I was starting to understand that infertility was going to be present whether I wanted it to or not, I could either learn to accept it or continue being in denial. Around November and December time my husband and I knew it was time we told our mothers. They needed to know. Around Thanksgiving I gave my mom a link to a blog I was using and let her read about our struggles rather than tell her between sobs. My husband told his mom one day when they went to lunch. Soon after I called my grandma and told her. I started getting even more comfortable telling people. Eventually, I told my mom she could tell my dad. I then told my brother myself. Finally my family knew. By December I realized I was not ok. I wasn't happy and needed to change. I couldn't pinpoint the exact reason why I was no longer happy, but I did know it wasn't normal for a person to cry every time they went to the store and come home from work and get right in bed and stay until work the next morning. Was it because I had to change jobs? Was it because I was away from my family? I missed my house? I missed Ohio? I couldn't make a baby? I wanted to go home. I just needed a huge change, but unfortunately I was contracted for 8 more months so I wasn't going anytime soon. I think it is time that I explain what helped me get through the year and a half worth of infertility thus far. I mentioned earlier in this post that I joined an online forum in June of 2013. In fact, I joined the same day that I went to my annual appointment with my midwife. I had stayed on this site from June 2013 until this very day. I have made some connections online that can't compete with some of my real life connections. In January the site that I had been connected to and devoted to made a huge mistake and began kicking off some of the major women on the site, and soon enough they kicked me off to. I had many a year and a half of contributions on this site. I had supported many, many women and had been supported by many, many women. Without those forums I cannot imagine if I could have made it this far in this "journey". Once the site kicked a majority of the members off, and pissed off most of the rest, a friend created a whole new website. Within days there were thousands of new members, she started a revolution. These forums (women) are very important to me. They are why I know so much about my body, they are why I have the guts to open up about my infertility. They have helped me with their story, so I want to help more with mine. January of 2015 was here. Great, starting another year with infertility is definitely what I wanted. In February my grandfather died. I was not ok. I lived 800 miles away and needed to be with my family. My family is extremely close and when the rock of our family died I didn't know what to do. I was in shock. My depression on top of this death and on top of the distance was a recipe for disaster. Nothing could get any worse, until it did. I lost my job. Ok. Something HAS to give. Who is punking me? I was ready to pack up my important belongings on my back and walk until I reached the promise land. It was time to go home. My grandmother was a widow with numerous health problems, including blindness and kidney failure requiring dialysis 3 days a week. She was living alone for the first time in her entire life. I had to go home. The main factor in going home was to help my family, but the fact that I was infertile, jobless, depressed, and homesick definitely swayed my decision. At this point I had to decide which would be better for my mental health: stop trying to have a baby (a goal I've had for 19 months) or continue the heartache every month and a half (but still giving it a shot). Infertility has caused me so much heartache. At this point I think stopping it altogether would be less painful for my mental health and well-being. Infertility was the biggest part of my depression. My mental illness was another part of my depression. I needed to be well. I needed to change something in my life. And although being "happy" has little to do with helping depression, the following images helped guide my move. Was I happy? No. Did I want to be happy? Yes. I needed to change something. In February when I went home for the funeral I told a cousin (my moms first cousin) about the infertility. He asked me when we were having kids. Finally, for once, I was able to tell the truth. That felt so good, it felt like a burden was lifted. The conversation went like this: In April I went home. I didn't have a plan, I just went. I knew I wanted to sub, and although I did everything on my end to sub, I didn't have an official start date. I didn't have a plan. For ONCE in my life I wasn't going off of a plan, I was winging it. Looking back throughout this post I can assure you that you're only seeing a tiny corner of the large picture what I felt while in Minnesota, as well as the entire 20 months of infertility. The past 20 months were the worst of my life, so to explain how mentally exhausted and burnt out I was would be quite an undertaking. Therefore, I will just let you see the tiny corner of my life portrait of the last 20 months, so keep it in mind that you only know a little bit. When I moved back home I didn't tell many people. My husband knew, a few family members, and two friends. I can count them on one hand. It's so easy to see my situation (wife moved to another state with husband then moves back home without him 8 months later) and assume there are marital problems. I can assure you that my husband and I have no more issues than any other couple. In fact, if it weren't for my mental instability we would have the perfect relationship. Just picture this for a moment. My OCD was worse than it had ever been, my anxiety and migraines were overpowering my medicine, and my depression needed to be taken care of ASAP. I wasn't getting what I needed in Minnesota, I had to move home. I knew I was happy in Ohio. I knew I was happy before we started trying for a baby (or before we knew there was a problem). I needed help, a therapy of sorts. A few people still had issues with me leaving my husband and going home. There he was 800 miles away from Ohio, living alone, and doesn't know anyone but his employees and it was my fault. Could I have stayed and "sucked it up"? No. I couldn't. It's so easy to judge me and my situation, especially since you only know the tiny corner of my portrait. Now that I'm home we are pausing TTC. It sucks having this huge part of your life taken away. Although the negative test each cycle crushed me, there were a few days each cycle where I allowed myself to think "this could be our month. I could be pregnant right now." I hate that I'm giving that up, but you know what? If moving away from my husband (read: to be home, not get away from him) and pausing trying to conceive is what it takes to better myself - I would do it again. Infertility is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. Knowing that a goal I've had since I was wee-tall may never be complete is hard to accept. I've gone through the different stages of grief. Infertility feels like a death and just like a death you have to deal with it, you have to grieve. Infertility has taken a lot away from me. Although my husband and I are strong, it has taken a punch to our relationship. Infertility has made me feel like much less than a woman. I've said for many months that there is one thing that only women can do that men cannot: bare children.
I know we haven't tried as long as others have, but when you want something so bad two years seems like an eternity. I wish no one had to go through this. To those that can't quite understand how difficult this is, I'll try to make a connection. Imagine applying to the same job month after month only to be let down. You aren't given a reason why you aren't getting the job, you just don't get it. And to top it all off, everyone around you seems to be getting new jobs or getting promotions. So you don't get to experience the highs and lows of having a job. You get to watch everyone around you. Infertility has made me question my faith in God. The Bible talks about how women need to pray to have a baby, God knew the child before they were in the womb, and the reason for sex is for procreation. I don't like the idea of saying "God will give you a child when he knows you're ready" because it indicates that I can't do anything in the meantime. When I finally came to realize that I needed to go to God for help with my fertility I was very conflicted when everything I read turned me further and further away from my faith. Some believe that the reason one can't get pregnant is because they don't have a strong enough relationship with God. Some believe it's from a sin. Some believe it's a punishment. Some believe you aren't meant to be a parent. Some thing it's just not time. I think it's all jibberish. I still have faith. I have faith that there is a God and he will protect me when I pass, just as he has protected those that have passed around me. However, I don't believe that infertility is a punishment, which is something I struggled with for a long time. I don't believe it is God's will and I don't appreciate when people say "it will happen when it's supposed to happen." That hurts, it makes me think I have no control over my infertility. I may never have a child. No, it's not because it's Gods plan. No, it's not anyone's fault. No, I don't want to adopt. Right now we are living CLNBC (Childless Not By Choice). Could I get pregnant? Maybe. I have all of the organs needed. Could I get pregnant naturally? Maybe. Who knows. Could I get pregnant using alternative methods? Maybe. Could someone else carry my egg and my husband’s sperm? They could. Could we adopt? It’s always an option. We've been trying for 22 months now. Maybe one day we will have a baby. Maybe one day we will try IUI/IVF. Maybe one day we will get more answers, but for now we are living CLNBC with two gift bags with a baby onesie in each in the closet. DH have been discussing moving forward with IUI. I have begun researching the process of an IUI. I have outlined how this process will go. I have contacted the doctor to determine what our next steps should be. Once he replies then we will decide what our next steps will be.
Links: http://www.fertilityfriends.co.uk/forum/index.php?topic=16321.0 http://www.advancedfertility.com/sampleinjectablecalendar.htm |