I've made it to 11 weeks. I'm a few weeks shy of second trimester, I can't wait. First trimester has been kicking my butt.
I'm dealing with a lot of different things right now: discomfort, fear, survivors guilt, and happiness.
Before pregnancy I told myself that if I ever became pregnant I wouldn't complain, I tried so hard to become pregnant I would simply not complain. I wanted this, after all. I wished for morning sickness. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel pregnant. I would tell people I felt fine. I wanted this. In fact, there were many times I would see (online) pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy and it would make me feel...some sort of way. Jealous? Angry? I'm not sure, but I felt like they should just be grateful, so many others were dying to experience morning sickness and discomfort. Now I get it.
Little did I know how hard it would be. How exhausted I would be. How sick I would feel. How many headaches and body aches I would have. Yes, I wanted this. It's all I've wanted for a few years, but it's tough. My body is going through some intense changes, I'm making a human for goodness sakes. I'm literally building a human with my body, there are a lot of new things going on. My body is preparing. I'm dealing with discomfort. It's hard. It's not what I expected.
I told myself that I would eat so healthy, and don't get me wrong, I'm doing my best, but it's not what I expected. Some days I will eat the same thing for 3 meals because I cannot even imagine eating a turkey burger ever again or even wanting carrots. It's hard. I'm hungry, but these aversions are making it hard to maintain a healthy diet.
Weeks 4 through 8 I was so ill. I felt so sick and nauseas and OMG the exhaustion. I was producing so many hormones so rapidly that my body was so shocked so it reacted with nausea and exhaustion. Weeks 9 through 11 have been hard because the nausea is turning into actual puking and holy cow the headaches (and a big LOL to Tylenol. Why does it suck so much?). My body is producing double the amount of blood it typically would and my headaches are a signal that something is going on with my body that typically doesn't. I wish my ute and my head could have a talk.
I am also suffering from Survivors Guilt more than I would like to admit. I feel like I've left some great women behind because I finally was able to succeed. I'm suffering because I feel like I shouldn't complain about how I'm feeling, because I wanted this and many others still do.
I keep trying to self-help and teach myself that: yes, I made it. I am pregnant. I cannot control other women's bodies. I need to worry about myself, but I can support and think of others. I can do both. If inneed to tell someone I'm feeling sick, it is ok. It is ok to feel pain and feel discomfort in my pregnancy. I wanted this, yes, but I am human and it is ok to tell someone you're having a tough time.
Although I'm feeling so much discomfort on a day to day basis, I would do this ten times over. I am so happy to be pregnant. I am so happy to finally have this. It's something I didn't think would happen, but here I am.
I feel like a whirlwind. I have so many things I feel, but had to get it all out there in a string of words before I couldn't take it. I know most of this is rambling and probably hard to read because it might make no sense, but it feels good to get it all out.
I'm dealing with a lot of different things right now: discomfort, fear, survivors guilt, and happiness.
Before pregnancy I told myself that if I ever became pregnant I wouldn't complain, I tried so hard to become pregnant I would simply not complain. I wanted this, after all. I wished for morning sickness. I wanted to feel something. I wanted to feel pregnant. I would tell people I felt fine. I wanted this. In fact, there were many times I would see (online) pregnant women complaining about their pregnancy and it would make me feel...some sort of way. Jealous? Angry? I'm not sure, but I felt like they should just be grateful, so many others were dying to experience morning sickness and discomfort. Now I get it.
Little did I know how hard it would be. How exhausted I would be. How sick I would feel. How many headaches and body aches I would have. Yes, I wanted this. It's all I've wanted for a few years, but it's tough. My body is going through some intense changes, I'm making a human for goodness sakes. I'm literally building a human with my body, there are a lot of new things going on. My body is preparing. I'm dealing with discomfort. It's hard. It's not what I expected.
I told myself that I would eat so healthy, and don't get me wrong, I'm doing my best, but it's not what I expected. Some days I will eat the same thing for 3 meals because I cannot even imagine eating a turkey burger ever again or even wanting carrots. It's hard. I'm hungry, but these aversions are making it hard to maintain a healthy diet.
Weeks 4 through 8 I was so ill. I felt so sick and nauseas and OMG the exhaustion. I was producing so many hormones so rapidly that my body was so shocked so it reacted with nausea and exhaustion. Weeks 9 through 11 have been hard because the nausea is turning into actual puking and holy cow the headaches (and a big LOL to Tylenol. Why does it suck so much?). My body is producing double the amount of blood it typically would and my headaches are a signal that something is going on with my body that typically doesn't. I wish my ute and my head could have a talk.
I am also suffering from Survivors Guilt more than I would like to admit. I feel like I've left some great women behind because I finally was able to succeed. I'm suffering because I feel like I shouldn't complain about how I'm feeling, because I wanted this and many others still do.
I keep trying to self-help and teach myself that: yes, I made it. I am pregnant. I cannot control other women's bodies. I need to worry about myself, but I can support and think of others. I can do both. If inneed to tell someone I'm feeling sick, it is ok. It is ok to feel pain and feel discomfort in my pregnancy. I wanted this, yes, but I am human and it is ok to tell someone you're having a tough time.
Although I'm feeling so much discomfort on a day to day basis, I would do this ten times over. I am so happy to be pregnant. I am so happy to finally have this. It's something I didn't think would happen, but here I am.
I feel like a whirlwind. I have so many things I feel, but had to get it all out there in a string of words before I couldn't take it. I know most of this is rambling and probably hard to read because it might make no sense, but it feels good to get it all out.